Blogged out of Cylinders

24th March 2018

Anna just walked into my study and stopped still because I was gazing moronically and obviously pleased with myself about something. She said that it was disconcerting, which threw me off what I was thinking about and now it’s gone. That’s alright, I’ll tag down the next idea. Once you get a feel for how they exist out there, they come along like a Mercedes AMG Taxi at full chat, and if you miss that one then listen out… that’s another V12 on the approach. You taking the Ferrari are you? I like the way you think, and your taxi is a two-tone maple brown and sunset orange. Ferrari never did enough of those. I’ve decided to go on my push bike instead so I’ll catch up with you later when I’ve got a sweat on. Have you got a spare seat in your Ferrari? No, just a roll cage in the back is it? Makes sense, I’ll just hang on to the rear number plate and catch a ride with you if that’s cool? You’ll be going at one hundred and ninety miles an hour will you? See that’s no good for me, I’ve got gangly long hair. Once, someone offered me a go at driving their kit car and in a pique of excitement I forgot that I didn’t have a hair band to go with the convertible and the summertime. Still, I had a proper good thrash around some reasonable tarmac and back with my hair wailing like a banshee and finding new purpose as a net to passing flies. By the time I got a brush to it I was fucking livid. True story. So I can’t hitch that ride with you. Perhaps your Ferrari will break down up the road and I’ll pass you then. There’s not too much point in me hanging about with you on the side of the road; I understand the principal of spark-release-push but otherwise I just like the noises that cars make. If I stop my bike and your taxi driver has the bonnet up and is going on about something to do with the drive train, I’m probably just going to shrug and imagine that the drive train is something that a pornographer uses for a special move or something, like in Street Fighter II. I wonder what the combination of button smashing for that move would be? Could you even perform it in your local arcade? I don’t know, and perhaps the tone of hanging out around the arcades has changed, but I can’t imagine that it’s changed that much, if I’m imaging anything at all, which I am not. I’m just biking on past, the wind a placated manner about my strands. It’s a good speed to move at, and more certain than waiting for the bus. I can’t do waiting for the bus. If I’m going to get wet waiting then I’m sure as toast going to prefer getting wet and already being on the way to where I want to go. I’ve attached this principal to job interviews, and I can tell you … the links to the purchase of my novels are available at the end of wherever this might be going. But I am at least going, and without the rain I’m happy to add. In fact I’ve been going a while, I might just pull over and enjoy the smell of mid summer parsley while I get my breath back. I love parsley, it’s got it all going on. Last best recollection of its abundance would be wandering with a dear friend to a cheese farm up a Welsh back lane that neither of us knew because we were on a holiday with a chunk of families back at the house. The smell of that parsley was terrific but damn the hills were steep. At the end of it the pair of us got to watch a whole cheese making video on our own, and then the tasters and inevitable purchasing. It was a good system on the farmers part because all the routes out were back down the hill so you could roll like a great barrel of Edam back to where you’d started from, right back into the heated pool with the overlooking Antirrhinums that seem to watch you back when you’ve been on the chilli Cheddar. I’d wondered about the Antirrhinums then, that they saw devils and lusted for the ability to move around more than was their given rite. Snapdragons indeed. In any case there was a river or waterway of minor significance between the ‘rhinums and I, and I thought that would hold them if anything happened, which it shouldn’t because it seemed ridiculous. My dear friend told me to calm down, that it was the chilli getting to me. He even went as far as the remind me that he always kept a blade attachment ready strimmer in the boot of his car, if anything should feel the need to get out of hand (he’s a gardener by the way). The chilli mad bastard even got out of the pool and went in a fever to collect it, which is where I must leave you…! Continue reading “Blogged out of Cylinders”

A Symphony in Blog

11th March 2018

I’m in the middle of a chain reaction. Well, I’ve started one. Let me throw in some context to help explain. I’m knackers to nougat still with editing The Brine in Me. These things take a little time, although this novel being a fictional autobiography, it is principally pretty linear. At least you might like to think so.

People’s life stories come in a variety of distance between the subject, the telling, and the reader, and having lived with Derek Gainsborough inside my head over two novels, I know him well enough to know that he’s not the kind of guy who’s going to research his life and get all the details in order. Continue reading “A Symphony in Blog”

Blogged Down in Technology

16th February, 2018

News from the front! I have my copy of The Brine in Me back from the editor in Scotland! I’ve had a cursory glance through the first few screens (they left as pages but came back as screens. It’s probably none of my business). You don’t get away with a lot. The Brine is written as autobiography, and Mr Derek Gainsborough does not intend to muster all the incidents of his life into the correct timeline, he just wouldn’t write that type of autobiography. I forget to tell the editor this was an approach and not an effort to make life difficult. Which to be fair it probably has been. But the stuff that I mean I mean. The rest are just genuine mistakes and it must be thrilling for the editor to get to imagine which is which, which she is very good at. Good editors are like mind whisperers, they pick up on the intent behind the incandescent yelling of your mind-on-page and turn the faders down a little. Clever business, but I like to be at the yelling end. Continue reading “Blogged Down in Technology”

Pull the Other One it’s got Blogs On

20th January 2018

I’ve been revving up an idea, letting it back down again and editing it into some kind of order. I want to be able to talk about writing process, but in a manner that isn’t… y’know. For that purpose, JWB PLC has been created. I’ll talk about process, licking your monitor, and how to correctly delete a paragraph of your draft. It’s in videovision and is available for your brain at a click of a link. I don’t know where that link is, it might be below this or right down in the gallows of the page. I don’t control everything that you see before you, which is actually one of the more interesting things about writing make-believe fiction. I feel like I’m doing my best to not dictate to you, rather I’m aiming for the tone that lets you do most of the creation. To be completely honest, you have to have near total dictatorial control to get to that point, but that’s the yin-yangery of it all, which is why I’d say you have to counter intuit yourself into the belly of the beast.

However, because counter intuition is only two words, regardless of how you spell check it, I’ve thrown in a load of other details about writing in JWB PLC to fill in the time. I’d hate to take up less than half an hour of your day. You are welcome. Continue reading “Pull the Other One it’s got Blogs On”

Resolution, Blog

6th January 2018

You can’t always get what you want. We all know that because we’ve all just been through Christmas. I wanted a short wheel base Mercedes-Benz Unimog with extra tyre replacements, but all I got was a request from The Bodleian Library, Oxford, for a perpetuitous (!) copy of The Meifod Claw. Continue reading “Resolution, Blog”

I’m Gonna Blog Like its 1999

18th December 2017

Welcome to winter…

I’ve just been given some mulled cider. It’s giving me the willies, but then anything described as mulled always does. It’s wicked cloudy, and apparently you warm it in the bottle until it looks almost angry, then take it far away from the heat as quickly as possible, let its temper settle for a few days, pour and enjoy the headache.

What can you possibly tame mulled cider with? A pot of nutmeg and a meaningful dilution of rum might do it, but perhaps it’s better to throw the whole contents into a bucket with a load of unmolested apples (not cookers) for some extreme Christmas apple bobbing? Continue reading “I’m Gonna Blog Like its 1999”

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